I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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