Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize