dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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