i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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