You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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