FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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