OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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