I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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