Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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