The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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