just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
