i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
