in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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