My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love you. Go after that dick
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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