She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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