you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
