you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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