I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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