i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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