bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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