I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
