Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize