This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
