This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
