I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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