Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
