There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
