I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
