Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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