I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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