So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The maid of honor just puked.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
