OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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