I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
