hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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