Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
