I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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