I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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