Can i not drive my cunt home
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
