Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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