got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
