I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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