i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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