This is not my ceiling
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
