I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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