when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
where am i from again
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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