i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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