I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
