dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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