Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
