If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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