Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
