Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and she was petting her beer can
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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