Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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