Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just google imaged poop.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
