Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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