I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
